Make A Wish

Dear it's 11:11, make a wish.

I wish for a miracle.

Everyday, every night or every morning, I would make the same wish. I hate my life. Everything about it, nothing ever works out the way I want it to. Nothing's every perfect for me. Nothing.

My family is always the same. Yelling, arguing, "discussions", it's always the same. People tell me I have it all made out for me. But they don't know. They don't understand, not even you. I thought that once we moved out from the Place, everything would finally work out. I was wrong. It wasn't always because we were at the Place problems won't ever die. Sure, being at the Place wasn't easy, sure it didn't make things better- but it didn't make the problems get out of hand. I am still not at home, I still have no place I can call home. I live in a house, not a home. There is no "home sweet home".

My friends have deserted me. I, who once had friends by her side is now alone. I bet she's laughing. I bet she's having fun. I bet her life is great. She told me life has been bad since we weren't friends. She told me she regrets our broken friendship. I fell for it. She told me she still cares about me like all my other friends. I believed her. Now she has stabbed me in the back. Now all my friends had left me. Now I am alone.

Now, dear this one is for you. Do you know how much I love you? I sit by my phone waiting for your call. I bring my cellphone with me to the showers. I leave my cellphone next to my pillow at night. My heart beats when I hear your name. I go crazy when you pop up in my mind. I care about you more than I do for anyone, including myself. Everyone tells me you're just bad news and that I should have left you. They tell me you're no good for me and that I can do better. I couldn't get myself to do it. Do you know how confused I was? I gave you a month to prove everyone wrong, including me. But dear, do you know your month is almost up? You showed me that you can change in the first week. You proved to me that I do mean something. You gave me more than I had gotten from you in 2 years. But dear, what happened? Time is almost up. You gave me so much hope. I was once again falling for you harder than I ever had. But falling does have a negative meaning too, doesn't it? Because now I am falling, I am breaking apart. You're going back. You, yourself, is falling behind. You're slowly changing back to your old self. I can't take it anymore. I feel like even if the month is up and you didn't get your 5 strikes, I should leave. I should just break my promise to you. I should just end everything. You broke many promises with me, so why should I keep mines? I don't know... Dear, can't you tell I'm hurt and lost?

Someone help me. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up before I fall. Before I break. Please. Give me a sign, an angel. I don't know anymore. Just please. I wish for a miracle.

"Friends"

Friends, who needs them? You give them your trust and everything but what does it matter? They're just monsters with masks. In life you need no one else except yourself and the people in front of you. Friends aren't the ones in front of you, they are the ones by your side. But guess what? In life you're not suppose to head off left or right, you're suppose to keep your head straight ahead. Haven't you heard? "Never lose sight of what's in front of you", or "Never look back, only ahead". And guess what? That means it's useless standing there dreading back in the past. You don't need anyone else in life.

Friends are not there when you need them, they run off when you need them.
Friends are not there to keep your secrets, they gossip behind your back.
Friends are not there when you fall, they'll gladly let you fall.
Friends are not there when you want someone to listen to your problems, they make you're problems sound stupid.
Friends do not care about you as much as you think they do, they pretend they do so you'll fall into their traps.

Oh no, don't get the wrong idea. It's not like I just hate everyone. It's just that my best friend stabbed me in the back and took everything away. Now I'm the loner and the outsider. My other friends see me as the enemy, when I was the one who introduced them to that best friend. Boy was I stupid.

So guess what? Thanks. Really I mean it. Thanks for making my senior year just that much more special. I can't wait until I get out of here. I can't wait until I don't have to see your faces anymore. So much for friends, eh?

I've been in many problems lately. Last week I had this major hit. I was upset and wanted to do crazy stuff. Well, that "best friend" suddenly cared about me and I was told that she was there for me from the back scenes. I seriously feel for it. I thought, hey maybe she does care. But I was wrong, what she did for me wasn't really from the heart as I thought it was. It seemed like a publicity stunt more than anything. Hey I'm not pointing any fingers, but that's what it seems like. You suddenly stop "caring" and all of my friends just think you're and stops talking to me. Yeah it sure seems like it.

100 Reasons Why I Hate You

1. You don't listen to me.
2. You judge me based on looks.
3. You only love me cause of my appearance.
4. You're so judgemental.
5. You make others feel bad.
6. You never really loved me.
7. I was just a toy for you, and you were just stringing me on.
8. You torture my, no our friends.
9. You lie to everyone.
10. You cheated on me, twice that I know of.
11. You keep secrets from me.
12. You hide you true face, and put on a mask.
13. You never appreciated me.
14. You kept on taking advantage of me.
15. You never cared about me.
16. You were low enough to play with a 8th grader's heart, because you were bored with me.
17. You lied to your own friends.
18. You treated your friends as trash or super great because you were using them.
19. You kept acting innocent, when you're as guilty and dark as the black hole that now takes up my heart.
20. You made me unable to trust anyone fully.
21. You made me feel like an idiot.
22. You never take the heat nor responsibility, you just keep finding scapegoats.
23. You're violent, and you keep hurting me both mentally and physically.
24. You made me learn to hate myself, never to love myself.
25. I have a mental eating disorder because of you.
26. I never leave before checking the mirror twice, worried that I look horrible.
27. You made me learn to bottle up all my problems.
28. You never gave me the chance to open myself up.
29. You made me hate myself.
30. You made me feel as if daggers, bullets, and other weapons were piercing through my heart.
31. You made me have no self-respect for myself.
32. You destroyed all that was my self-esteem.
33. You make me to break a swear to all good that I shall never cuss and swear.
34. You made me want to die at times.
35. You made me feel as if my soul was trapped.
36. You made me lose all of my friends.
37. A hate group was created because I was with you.
38. You never asked, cared, or questioned and believed me when I lied about the reason why they hated me.
39. You never asked what was wrong, and when you do, you always settled down for the lie. Even when you knew it was lies.
40. I lie to protect you like why I was hated, but you lie because you cheated, judgemental, and wicked.
41. You don't tell me your deepest, darkest secrets when I tell you mine.
42. You look at me not in my eyes, but at body parts.
43. You don't see me as a human being, you see me as a doll or a toy.
44. You make me feel as if whatever I want is wrong.
45. You make me feel as if whatever I do is wrong.
46. You flirt with others, and you take in their flirts when I'm not there.
47. You flirt with others, and you take in their flirts when I am there.
48. You like me because of my body more than my mind.
49. I fear for your life and my life when we are together.
50. You don't know how to flatter, but you're a pro at unflattering a person.
51. You never say the right words, but you know the wrong words perfectly by heart.
52. You never take charge, always make me do everything.
53. When you do take charge, it's only to pull me, twist my arms, or to push me.
54. You make me feel more like the boy in the relationship, you're personal babysitter, and your mother.
55. You put me through our abusive relationship.
56. You threatened to hurt yourself if I were to ever leave.
57. Sometimes I feel as if the only reason why I'm still her is because I don't want you to kill yourself.
58. You actually buy it when I tell you to leave me alone, when all I really needed was a hug.
59. You never show up when I need you the most.
60. You're cheap. You never really spend much when we're today.
61. I spent over 600$ for you in less than 1 month because of you.
62. You know I lost my job, but you still don't pay.
63. You use lame tricks, like "I-can't-find-my-wallet" and "I'm-going-to-the-restroom", so you don't have to pay.
64. I spent 100$ on your birthday and I even planned out a romantic dinner with you, but you ruined it by tagging along your friend. You spent very little time on my birthday and I paid for it again.
65. I have to learn everything from these little birdies, your friends that feel sorry for me, and by myself-never from you.
66. You are a coward, a chicken, an uncaring immature boy.
67. We never solve our problems, because you get too immature.
68. You throw tantrums, cry, scream, get very violent, pound everything around you, punch whatever you see, wind blows (if you're running), hurt yourself, scream, more cries, the tantrum again- whenever I even try to tell you what's wrong.
69. You don't put in much, actually... anything, in our relationship.
70. You sacrificed nothing, when I gave up almost everything to be with you.
71. I have to always lie and say I'm okay when I'm not.
72. I have to pretend everything is perfect because I can't tell you what's wrong.
73. I have to always cheer you up when you were the one that started it.
74. I have to fake my happiness around you.
75. I'm my true self when you're here.
76. I've seen and heard about you and your true self, and it scares me.
77. The idea of what you might do to people who tipped me worries me.
78. The way you act and talk to me when someone is there.
79. The way you have to hide me because they can't find out that you're with me.
80. You humiliated me, embarrassed me, made me feel threaten in front of others and privately.
81. You make me feel horrible and bad when I didn't even really do much.
82. You make me feel as if I don't even deserve you at times.
83. Everyone tells me that I'm too good for you, but I don't buy it.
84. Everyone feels bad for me, because I'm with you.
85. Our relationship is based upon lies, false hope, and nothing.
86. You act as if you don't know what I'm talking about.
87. You purposely ignore me when I talk to you.
88. You never really forgotten about your ex-girlfriends.
89. You talk about me behind my back about how you dread the way I looked before.
90. You push my buttons, when you know what my buttons are.
91. You don't admit it when you did something wrong.
92. You don't admit to your mistakes, even when you're caught.
93. You never take the first move, I have to do it.
94. You misunderstood me, and you keep misunderstanding me.
95. You never really bother to actually know who I am.
96. When I ask you why you loved me, you have me superficial words and words that are meaningless.
97. You would easily leave me if I were to have a scar on my face.
98. You were only interested in me because you saw pictures of me, and threw your belief of me being a fob away.
99. I wasn't even a fob, but you thought I was and labeled me.
100. You don't treasure or even value me.

The funny thing is...

You think you know a person, after the secrets you share with them, those special moments you had with them, and the tears and laughs you shared. But nothing's ever what it seems. You think you would know them after such a long period of time, but honey, that's not true.

I thought that even if it may seem misty and troubled now, just give it a few more days. They tell you that they're sorry and that it wasn't intended. But has it occur to them that it hurts one way or another? Shouldn't you know how I work after all this time? Yes I admit I've been moody lately, it's close to the end of the school year and grades are hitting me pretty hard. I've been worried about my classes, even if I don't say it or act as if it is.

I know I'm an easy target for you to pick on to start conversations and that it's fun to pick on me too. But there's a limit to everything, and that includes me! I can only take in so much and I am human afterall. And some of these things you say hurts me pretty deep too.

You realize that I'm upset and you tell everyone that I'm mad at you for no reason. Has it occur that I'm tired of being picked on? After a while you finally ask me what's going on, and I tell you. You say you're sorry and you didn't mean it. But guess what? You do it again the next day! Yeah sorry my butt. And when I tell everyone my point of view on certain topics, you seem to be so quick on challenging my ideals and making me seem and feel like an idiot. Gee, thanks.

And if they actually meant their apology in the beginning, this wouldn't happen. Everyday at school I crave for the school bell to ring. I can't stop wishing that school was over so I would stop being sass-ed by you. I feel so alone everyday as if everyone, all of my friends from the beginning are drifting away from me as if I'm the bad guy. And I can't stop wishing I was dead once again, so I wouldn't have to keep dealing with this just like the time with this girl who spread rumors about me, making most of my old friends hate me. I can't stop wishing that I moved away long time ago. Or that I was dead, you wouldn't mind that, now would you?

Once again, special thanks to you for ruining the end of this school year for me. Thanks. Really, I mean it.

So much for knowing you, you were just using me just like the others. Funny isn't it?

You're Friends Must Be Proud Of You

I bet your friends must be very proud of you. You must be a jewel to them or something. Having a friend like you must be something alright.

You order too much when you go out. You can't finish it no matter what and what do you do? You lean over to your friend sitting behind you and offer them some. Oh no, did you thought I meant for free? Oh of course not, you did something even better. You offered them the cold and mushy plate of food and you tell them to pay you for it. You tell them it was too much and you just couldn't finish it, and you just didn't want to waste food. But unlike a NORMAL person, you didn't just pack it up in a doggybag and just bring it home-no, instead you decide to just shove it to your friends face and tell them to pay you for it. And your friend, being polite tells you that they are also full themselves, but you couldn't just allow that to happen, now could you? You just kept insisting that you can't keep it and they just have to keep it themselves. So that friend being nice and all, just takes it and pays you back for it.

And at school, since the weather has been cold and windy lately, you got sick. No surprise there. You decided to bring you big bag of cough drops you bought from Costco. A classmate noticed you had alot of cough drops, and decided to ask you for a few since they were sick too. You decided to tell them that you can't give him anything, but you are will to sell it to them for a buck for a few pieces. Luckily for you that classmate was just coughing a bit too much, and decide to fork over a dollar for you.

God, aren't you a great friend. Wow and this is not even a bit of what you do for your friends. You know what, you're just that great, I don't deserve to have you as a friend. You were right before, you're just too good to be my friend.

A Boiling Pot

Wow.. when was the last time I even blogged. Well I'm planning to try to blog once in a while, or as much as I can again. Anyways, it's been a while and I have to admit.. I'm pretty rusty at this, well it's not like I was even good at this to start with.

Like I said, it's been a while, and I really would hate to start blogging with a negative story. But right now that's all I got.

Hypocrites and so-called people.

I'm sure I had talked about this in the past, but this topic never seems to cease. Recently I had a friend tell me they were mad at me and themselves. The reason? They dislike picking on me and being picked on by me even though we've been doing this for quite some time now. They refused to talk and ignored me for a bit too. And today some classmates told me that it was a pick on me day too. Wow. I don't mind, but it's funny. My own friend told me they wouldn't really want to talk to me since it would result in this "picking each other for fun like normal friends".

Lately, people have been complaining too me quite often too. Because of this friend incident, I stopped talking for a bit and when I did this people would complain to me and tell me to talk more. But when I do, I would be complained for talking. Seriously, I just can't win with you guys.
To add on, I was in the computer lab today and this friend thought it would be fun to pick on me for my interests. How many of you guys have interests different from your other friends? If you all said no, you would be lying. Well this friend liked to read story origins of movies and games. She would also like to read the books of action movies that were in theaters previously, and she personally prefer Greek dramas over Shakespeare. I'm not judging her and I'm not belittling her interests either.

But when I told her I don't read origins of movies and whatnot because of my classes and that I liked reading satiric stories and that I would much rather read Shakespeare than Greek dramas, she just laughed. She laughed at my personal preferences on literature, and laughed that I was even in an AP class since I didn't read the books she liked and told another random guy sitting in front of us. They started laughing at me and belittling me. I'm sorry don't read literature because of my classes and other stuff going on in my life. I'm sorry I don't want to read the books YOU love. I'm sorry that I'm stupid and taking an AP class. I never made fun of you for reading in your spare time and I don't make fun of your interests. And I don't belittle you in front of a somewhat stranger that now thinks I'm an enormous idiot that supposely hates reading and have no class, all because I don't read the books you like. Just thanks, thanks alot.

Maybe I've been moody lately. Or maybe I was just a boiling pot of water that was in this heat(your nonstop joking and humiliating of me) for just too long. And that I didn't know how to let myself steam off a bit at a time.

*Note: Yes, I know my writing style is a bit different. Like I said it's been a while and I'm rusty-and I'm a bit upset, thus creating this style.

Perfect To Your Demand

Maybe just once. Please, just once. Just once... Stop... But by every waking moment passing, it does not stop. One by one, your words continue to pierce through my heart.

Must every word that comes out from your mouth jab right through me? Must everything you say be a direct straight hit towards me? Must you be so angry with me? Is everything I do horrid and displeasing to you? And above all, what do you want from me?

Perfect. A word with indefinite meaning. But nevertheless all definitions evolve around a simple common meaning- to be excellent or complete beyond practical or theoretical improvement. [www.dictionary.com] Now, is that what you expect from me? Would you like me to be that
"perfect" person for you? Do you want me to be everything YOU wanted? Should I lose all that matters to me, to fulfill YOUR wishes? Is that what you want?

Thus may I conclude that everything that matters to me, everything I live for, MY morals shall be forgotten? Shall they be nothing more than a yesterday's dream? And here I am, being pulled in half. My morals and your wishes. Is it fair to have me lose all I care, just so you can be satisfied? Is it really true? Do I really exist to fulfill your every wish?

But of course, I strongly agree, I do live because of you. But is life as we know it, just a cycle? That you, the gardener who has given me life. And that my life is to be dedicated to serve you, my life giver. And is it really true, as you say, that my life is to only be lived to prepare you "fruits" and have no other purpose in life? If so, I rather die today, than to ever think of this- my life was made to fulfill yours.