The funny thing is...

You think you know a person, after the secrets you share with them, those special moments you had with them, and the tears and laughs you shared. But nothing's ever what it seems. You think you would know them after such a long period of time, but honey, that's not true.

I thought that even if it may seem misty and troubled now, just give it a few more days. They tell you that they're sorry and that it wasn't intended. But has it occur to them that it hurts one way or another? Shouldn't you know how I work after all this time? Yes I admit I've been moody lately, it's close to the end of the school year and grades are hitting me pretty hard. I've been worried about my classes, even if I don't say it or act as if it is.

I know I'm an easy target for you to pick on to start conversations and that it's fun to pick on me too. But there's a limit to everything, and that includes me! I can only take in so much and I am human afterall. And some of these things you say hurts me pretty deep too.

You realize that I'm upset and you tell everyone that I'm mad at you for no reason. Has it occur that I'm tired of being picked on? After a while you finally ask me what's going on, and I tell you. You say you're sorry and you didn't mean it. But guess what? You do it again the next day! Yeah sorry my butt. And when I tell everyone my point of view on certain topics, you seem to be so quick on challenging my ideals and making me seem and feel like an idiot. Gee, thanks.

And if they actually meant their apology in the beginning, this wouldn't happen. Everyday at school I crave for the school bell to ring. I can't stop wishing that school was over so I would stop being sass-ed by you. I feel so alone everyday as if everyone, all of my friends from the beginning are drifting away from me as if I'm the bad guy. And I can't stop wishing I was dead once again, so I wouldn't have to keep dealing with this just like the time with this girl who spread rumors about me, making most of my old friends hate me. I can't stop wishing that I moved away long time ago. Or that I was dead, you wouldn't mind that, now would you?

Once again, special thanks to you for ruining the end of this school year for me. Thanks. Really, I mean it.

So much for knowing you, you were just using me just like the others. Funny isn't it?

You're Friends Must Be Proud Of You

I bet your friends must be very proud of you. You must be a jewel to them or something. Having a friend like you must be something alright.

You order too much when you go out. You can't finish it no matter what and what do you do? You lean over to your friend sitting behind you and offer them some. Oh no, did you thought I meant for free? Oh of course not, you did something even better. You offered them the cold and mushy plate of food and you tell them to pay you for it. You tell them it was too much and you just couldn't finish it, and you just didn't want to waste food. But unlike a NORMAL person, you didn't just pack it up in a doggybag and just bring it home-no, instead you decide to just shove it to your friends face and tell them to pay you for it. And your friend, being polite tells you that they are also full themselves, but you couldn't just allow that to happen, now could you? You just kept insisting that you can't keep it and they just have to keep it themselves. So that friend being nice and all, just takes it and pays you back for it.

And at school, since the weather has been cold and windy lately, you got sick. No surprise there. You decided to bring you big bag of cough drops you bought from Costco. A classmate noticed you had alot of cough drops, and decided to ask you for a few since they were sick too. You decided to tell them that you can't give him anything, but you are will to sell it to them for a buck for a few pieces. Luckily for you that classmate was just coughing a bit too much, and decide to fork over a dollar for you.

God, aren't you a great friend. Wow and this is not even a bit of what you do for your friends. You know what, you're just that great, I don't deserve to have you as a friend. You were right before, you're just too good to be my friend.

A Boiling Pot

Wow.. when was the last time I even blogged. Well I'm planning to try to blog once in a while, or as much as I can again. Anyways, it's been a while and I have to admit.. I'm pretty rusty at this, well it's not like I was even good at this to start with.

Like I said, it's been a while, and I really would hate to start blogging with a negative story. But right now that's all I got.

Hypocrites and so-called people.

I'm sure I had talked about this in the past, but this topic never seems to cease. Recently I had a friend tell me they were mad at me and themselves. The reason? They dislike picking on me and being picked on by me even though we've been doing this for quite some time now. They refused to talk and ignored me for a bit too. And today some classmates told me that it was a pick on me day too. Wow. I don't mind, but it's funny. My own friend told me they wouldn't really want to talk to me since it would result in this "picking each other for fun like normal friends".

Lately, people have been complaining too me quite often too. Because of this friend incident, I stopped talking for a bit and when I did this people would complain to me and tell me to talk more. But when I do, I would be complained for talking. Seriously, I just can't win with you guys.
To add on, I was in the computer lab today and this friend thought it would be fun to pick on me for my interests. How many of you guys have interests different from your other friends? If you all said no, you would be lying. Well this friend liked to read story origins of movies and games. She would also like to read the books of action movies that were in theaters previously, and she personally prefer Greek dramas over Shakespeare. I'm not judging her and I'm not belittling her interests either.

But when I told her I don't read origins of movies and whatnot because of my classes and that I liked reading satiric stories and that I would much rather read Shakespeare than Greek dramas, she just laughed. She laughed at my personal preferences on literature, and laughed that I was even in an AP class since I didn't read the books she liked and told another random guy sitting in front of us. They started laughing at me and belittling me. I'm sorry don't read literature because of my classes and other stuff going on in my life. I'm sorry I don't want to read the books YOU love. I'm sorry that I'm stupid and taking an AP class. I never made fun of you for reading in your spare time and I don't make fun of your interests. And I don't belittle you in front of a somewhat stranger that now thinks I'm an enormous idiot that supposely hates reading and have no class, all because I don't read the books you like. Just thanks, thanks alot.

Maybe I've been moody lately. Or maybe I was just a boiling pot of water that was in this heat(your nonstop joking and humiliating of me) for just too long. And that I didn't know how to let myself steam off a bit at a time.

*Note: Yes, I know my writing style is a bit different. Like I said it's been a while and I'm rusty-and I'm a bit upset, thus creating this style.

Perfect To Your Demand

Maybe just once. Please, just once. Just once... Stop... But by every waking moment passing, it does not stop. One by one, your words continue to pierce through my heart.

Must every word that comes out from your mouth jab right through me? Must everything you say be a direct straight hit towards me? Must you be so angry with me? Is everything I do horrid and displeasing to you? And above all, what do you want from me?

Perfect. A word with indefinite meaning. But nevertheless all definitions evolve around a simple common meaning- to be excellent or complete beyond practical or theoretical improvement. [www.dictionary.com] Now, is that what you expect from me? Would you like me to be that
"perfect" person for you? Do you want me to be everything YOU wanted? Should I lose all that matters to me, to fulfill YOUR wishes? Is that what you want?

Thus may I conclude that everything that matters to me, everything I live for, MY morals shall be forgotten? Shall they be nothing more than a yesterday's dream? And here I am, being pulled in half. My morals and your wishes. Is it fair to have me lose all I care, just so you can be satisfied? Is it really true? Do I really exist to fulfill your every wish?

But of course, I strongly agree, I do live because of you. But is life as we know it, just a cycle? That you, the gardener who has given me life. And that my life is to be dedicated to serve you, my life giver. And is it really true, as you say, that my life is to only be lived to prepare you "fruits" and have no other purpose in life? If so, I rather die today, than to ever think of this- my life was made to fulfill yours.

Faces and Walls

To every problem, there are two stories. Sometimes three. Your side, their side, and occasionally the truth. Not only is this true to stories, problems, and whatnot; but to people and life as well. Even if it seems as if there's only one side to point, there is always more to it, and these points may not always be just what it seem. As we all have often heard, how you see a glass with water, holds our standing to our personality. Some may say a half filled glass and be judged as a optimist, while others are being called as a pessimist for saying the glass is half empty. But truly, must we actually let this simple test represent us as a whole? If you were to ask me, the obvious answer can easily represented as a NO. Maybe the person just chose half empty, because that was what they were taught. Or maybe that's just simply how they want to say it as. Who knows, but whatever the case, to this experiment, all I can say is that there are two faces- one to the world and one to themselves.

Like this, we- and life in general aren't too different. We all have this reputation where we build this wall for ourselves to please the eyes of society. And behind this wall, we silently hide our true feelings. In some cases, there's others who are built with double firewalls- one the world assumes and one they tell the world, while their true problems deeply buried inside. So, may I ask you, which is you?

Never-Ending Issue

A hole in the heart. A pain that never fails to come back. And always followed by the same question that every other being ask, why me? Why me, why not her, why not him? Why not them, why must it be me? And nevertheless comes the self-centered and the-world-evolves-around-me thoughts. It's not as if I want much. It's not that I want everything. Maybe just a little more attention, or, I just want that game, nothing else. Is that just oh-so wrong? Even as bad as it may be, just sometimes, this hole breaks open-no matter how much it was mended-it just leaks out some of the pain and these horrible thoughts.

With every problem or issue, there is always a solution. I could just tell you all I want and end it all , or perhaps even tell you that I want some attention and work it out from there on. As good as that may sound, I am a girl and that may seem a bit bratty and desperate for my own comfort; and that is the last thing I ever want to do. But since your constantly away or busy or focused on other things, and that I don't want to be the one to ask or to tell you what peeves me, nothing is being solved.

Just sometimes

Sometimes. Just once in a while. Not all the time. It's not as if I wish I was dead, or anything of that such. But just that I have a rare, one of a kind disease. I wish I had a disease that would make me die in any moments time. A disease that would cause me pain and suffering, a disease that would be my excuse when tears roll down my face. A disease that will not just cause me agony but would instead be my distraction from the endless pain that life itself has cause me.

Yes, just sometimes. Sometimes I wish I would have merely three months to live. Just sometimes, I wish my life was heading its end. That way I would be able to let all the tears just flow out, so I won't have to deal with the annoyance that certain beings have given me. So I can go up to them and just tell them, Do as you please, because where I am going, you will not be able to follow, and simply just laugh as I walk away.

Just sometimes, only sometimes, I can't stop to wish I was infected by a disease, or be on end of the rope.